Divorce. One of a the few words for which I had no definition. I really didn’t want to know what the definition might be, for it was not going to happen to me. I was a Christian and I both knew, and practiced, the truth of scripture. It seemed I’d married for the right reason, with the right motive, one who seemed to believe and desire truth as much as I. But, as they say, all good things must come to an end, or better yet, all that glitters is not gold. That’s when I found myself one of the statistics helping to place some kind of parameter on the current meaning.
At that point, the greater question for me became very simple. “What is a marriage?” The answer again is straightforward and anything but simple. God designed marriage for two people to join together and become one, in every way. He designed marriage to be a beautiful partnership, that included always being in communication with him.
However when man fell, when Adam and Eve were filled with the knowledge of good and evil and God cast them out of Eden to struggle in order to make it on this earth due to their rebellion and disobedience, everything that God had designed as good in His sight, fell as well. Nothing was left out. Weeds suddenly grew where there had been none. Hearts became hard where there had only been love and acceptance. Hatred was spewed, kings became whoremongers, lies were told where only truth had abounded, covetousness was the norm, and adultery, well adultery became a part of the landscape.
Does man’s fallen state warrant sin or disobedience? No. Paul said where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more. Does man’s fallen state give cause for rebellion from what God ordained to be of “good repute?” No and no. Let it be stated, “There are no excuses, only explanations.”
Recently, the question was raised to me, “Do you think it a good idea that so-and-so be considered for a position of leadership in the church?” After fifty-five years on this earth, I’ve learned a thing or two, one being that a church leader is as much a sinner as any who sits in the pew. Yes, I understand the scriptural guidelines we have regarding the kind of men who should sit on elder boards and become deacons. I am also acutely aware of the fallen state of the many men I’ve known through the years who sit in such positions.
My answer to the question posed was as follows: I cannot answer that question, for I have personally known more disappointment among church leadership than any other group as a whole, simply because they set themselves up to be wise, and acknowledged by their peers as wise. However, truth and wisdom come only with humility of heart and spirit. I’ve known few with the aforementioned qualities, for the latter is a rare find, indeed. Actually, the men who have fit in that category were not in a position of church leadership at all, one being my own father. They were quiet giants, walking in the truth and light, without position or acknowledgement from anyone but God himself.
Having been completely committed to living with the one to whom I chose betrothal and who became the father of my children, I completely understood and had accepted for myself, the commandment “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” It’s meaning could not be more clear. Monogamy is the way God designed marriage. However, when the one to whom I chose betrothal, in conjunction with some of those “godly” men who sat on elder boards, passed judgement on me and my marriage, deeming it unworthy to remain intact, I also have a very clear understanding that men are just that, men.
For further explanation, I must state that after I had been mentally, physically, and emotionally ill, due to no fault of my own, my ex-husband sought counsel as to how long he might have need to put up with me. In other words, my ex-husband sought and received counsel from men of positions of leadership in the church, who gave him cart blanche to divorce me, which he did with great freedom. His disposal, and subsequent ability to deny me what I had rightfully earned in a quarter-century marriage, more than half of my life at the time, was blessed by some leaders of the Evangelical, Bible-believing church.
Although the church is the Body of Christ and should act as a body in simpatico, it sometimes acts in parts, which is exactly what Paul loudly preached to the Corinthians not to do. It mattered not. The Corinthian church acted as pieces of the whole. The piety of man is less clear (or I suppose might be more clear, depending on one's vantage point) when a man sits in a position of leadership in the church, for suddenly it appears that the man has joined the ranks with other men who also believe themselves to be wise. Otherwise they could not fill the position.
It has been my experience that those same men have failed me and my needs, for when I was abandoned by my betrothed, there was not a single man in a position of church leadership, who made opportunity to inquire as to how I was, or if I might have need of something, save only a handful of lay men, one of whom was my father. Again I am speaking specifically of the male species. I must also state I am speaking of my own expectations. Of note would be that more women than I could count on several hands, came alongside to help me navigate that thing known as divorce.
Of all the painful aftermath of divorce, this has been the one thing I’ve not been able to resolve, for I know well the scriptural requirements of those who sit in church leadership.
I made opportunity to seek out their counsel, to attempt finding answers for so many questions about how I was to live, make it financially, to recognize my failure in the marriage, or how to forgive all that required forgiving. Yes, in this matter, I did as I was commanded. However, the same was not true of those who were to tend to the widows and orphans, of course which I was not one. No again. I was in a category not defined in scripture. I was a divorcee and it had nothing to do with my culpability, or lack thereof.
The church, as a whole, does not have much need for the divorcee, especially those of the female persuasion. Although I attempted to find fellowship, I have yet to find any that has suited my personal needs. Most likely that is more my fault than any other. But when I attempted to apply to mission organizations to serve in Africa, I was not only unwanted, I was unable to apply, for my marital status now mandated whether or not I was godly enough, i.e., suitable enough, to share the gospel. I was suddenly, and without warning, tainted goods.
Now, I return to some of my earlier questions. Should so-and-so be considered for a position of church leadership? My answer? “But by the grace of God goes any who would be, or are currently serving, in positions of church leadership” I am a sinner saved by grace. My contemporaries currently serving in the capacity of leadership, or, have served during the last nine years since my divorce, are also sinners saved by grace. I’m sure all would contend the same, for they know scripture or they wouldn’t be in the leadership positions they have been placed, but more rightly, have placed themselves.
Do I believe them all to be pious, insensitive, so-and-so’s? Absolutely not. However, it must be again stated, that my experience is just that, my experience, and is the only one to which I can give voice. I have yet to be approached with those questions, “How are you and is there anything that I can do to help?” I have been told by one of those men who’s counsel I sought, that God did not give us what is required to deal with divorce. He gave us what we need to deal with death or adultery or lying or cheating or… but there is nothing God could have done to prepare us for divorce.
Oh my, have I thought on that comment more than a few time in the last nine years. Although everything stated for provision by God happened to also be needs since the fall of man, it seems, according to this Body's belief, that God somehow forgot what he promised. In other words, how could He say that he has provided all that we need, but left that one situation, divorce, out of the equation. My contention is quite simply, “My God shall supply all of your needs according to his riches in glory.” Philippians 4:19
Oh, I know how this observation made by lil ole me can be, and may well be, taken apart, piece by piece, one side looking at it from dispensation, the other looking at it from a Covenant viewpoint, and of course there are many on either side or in between those two very large words that carry very weighty meaning, as well.
My point? This essay is a statement of my personal struggle. I struggle that all of those trained, godly men, who are placed in a position of leadership, and how they choose whom they might lead instead of realizing that all with whom they have contact, those for whom they are to be shepherds, are only sheep.
In conclusion, I have no answers, only questions. However I do know this to be true: “God has never left or forsaken me, regardless of the situation. He will give his angels charge concerning me, to guard me in all my ways. He will remain faithful and his grace will be new every morning.”
©sarah_beaugez_essayOnDivorce_2015
